Lets Turn it ALL to Crap

I know I'm a whiny bitch, but I have to say a few words here. I remember going to restaurants a few years ago. Even if the food was crap, most places above the fast food level had some sort of atmosphere. A lot of places even offered a little privacy for you and your whoever. You could get a nice booth, with some partition sides or some other kind of blind, and really talk shit. You could get to know your date, plan a hit, or anything else. Italian joints were the best, followed closely by Red Lobster. Now, they throw your ass in with everyone else. Your back touches the back of the guy behind you, even if the place has twelve people in it. You get the kid that screams, until his sorry ass parents let him free range, and put his mucus crusted hands on your table. They put high watt light in your face, and a TV in your ear. They have turned your favorite restaurant into HI FI Buys. The picture above is not a sports bar. Its Red Lobster, or whats left of it. Here's how you finish a restaurant chain. Increase the size of the bar to at least half the size of the space. Bring in thirty seven flat screen TVs, and put at least twenty of them on CNN or FOX news. Nothing makes me hungry like bleeding Iraqis! Now, shrink the food menu to half the size of the drink menu, and make the appetizer menu bigger than both of them together. Viola! You got yourself a Chilli's! And as you know, Chilli's ain't no place you go to eat.

The Time Machine

Well, this week, I got to hit on something I have said before. If you ever wanted to "go back in time" I know where the government parked a time machine. I can get you back to the middle ages in an hour, free of charge. I'm not trying to sell tickets to some geeky-ass renaissance fair, this is real. I want you to strap on a hidden dagger, lace up some knee boots, and take your ass to Walmart. Not that new, ritzy ass location, the OTHER one. The one over on the " " side (you know your cities shitty side, the side you would never live, but you buy your tires there) where the air is thick with the smell of crap food and failure. Go in that Walmart, and find a place to sit. Transport yourself to days long ago, where teachers and dentists were tried as witches, and a complete lack of limbs or soap could not stop a woman from being impregnated nine times. In the REAL middle ages, people did not walk around eating roasted turkey legs, singing witty songs, and trying to paint your face. They mumbled stupid shit, smelled like hot garbage, and made kids to pass time. I want to start taking middle school kids in there on field trips, like a living museum. Maybe get me some tires, and pay a hump-back to carry them out.

This Aint about the IPhone

This ain't about the IPhone. I cant afford one, blah blah blah- This is about the level of technology we have achieved with the cell phone. Now that we can take stunning photos, access the Internet in seconds, and repel insects with sonic tone transmitters, I have a question for the makers of these wonderful devices. Do we really need to still be told how to leave a fu**ing message? Do I have to be told that when I'm done, I should hang up? Wait for the beep to start talking? Shit man. I have been carrying a cell phone for 16 years or so, as most of you have, and I still have to listen to all that crap when I get into someones voicemail. Sorry, it just annoys the shit out of me.