Introducing, the DEmotivational Speaker

Have you ever had the pleasure of sitting through the one hour set of a professional (or amateur) motivational speaker? There is nothing like it in the world. First of all, we would all agree it is a purely human event, as in animals probably don't have to talk each other into much. I'm not sure, but I imagine that it is a purely American event as well? I have never heard of a Russian, Chinese, or Italian (that's EYE-talian) speaker- other than something like "work faster or you die!" Mussolini type shit. The best is being blind-sided by a motivational speech when you were not warned, or maybe you were tricked, into sitting through it. It goes something like, "hey kids, there is a really funny guy in the auditorium who wants to talk to you" who turns out to be Matt Foley (Chris Farley) and lives in a van, down by the river.

Some of these folks rise to unimaginable wealth and fame, as well they should. Corporate drones file into the "ballroom" of whatever hotel, glassy eyed and ready to take the elevator to the top floor to jump off a balcony- and one hour later, come out of the room brand ass new. Fired up and ready to fight the good fight.

That, unfortunately is NOT what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about a new sort of speaker that I have become aware of in my adult life- the DEmotivational speaker. Saturday Night Live (SNL) had the good sense to add this character to the line-up just the same as the "Matt Foley" one, in a bit they called "Debbie Downer". I watched her do that whole, "well, it will probably just rain" thing a dozen times, and never realised how many of those downers are living(?) among us. Ever get up, feeling pretty good, and head in to work with a new sense of optimism- only to come home (or to lunch) with a new sense of homicidal rage? A sense of the benefit of swerving your car into oncoming traffic? You have most likely sat through the soul sucking bit of the DEmotivational speaker. It can happen to young kids at school. A teacher can double as a demotivational speaker. Your child starts the year off talking about becoming a Doctor, and then comes home from school talking about managing a Wendy's........at night. One of your good friends may have trained in this dark art. He will be the guy who always reminds you of how stupid your ideas are. However, if he likes your idea, you will know it when he reminds you that you are a shit-talker, and you will never do anything. There is the female version of the "demo" speaker, who normally comes at her girl friends with a softer approach. Her hook is the "well, you know, you are just like me, your a little bit lazy- but that's ok, I'm the same way" one-two punch. You walk away, ok in your non-action, but secure that you have such a close friend to come to when you have these "crazy" ideas of happiness or success. I think you get the point, and I'm out of time. I feel pretty optimistic today, so it is time to head in to work, where someone can help me with that feeling and remind me where my place is. UPDATE: I came back after work today to add a thought here. What if we auditioned these people, the demotivational speakers around us, and employed them to do what they do for good? Have them infiltrate terror cells- or street gangs. Maybe it would go something like this; "what, go out and blow a bridge up? Shit man, I brought weed, and Americas Funniest Home Videos is coming on". There would be an awkward moment, with all the committed terrorist's standing in the doorway, and the "demo" still sitting on the couch. The leader would ask "are you going?" and the demo would just say it back in a mocking and irritating voice- "Rar-Roo-Rowing??" then the others would laugh, and sit back down. The implanted demo would then go into the bathroom to send the signal back to headquarters, telling them that the situation was avoided, or, demoted?