The Swirl

I hate to hear people talk about how many medications they are on. It just sounds sad, and it hurts more to hear this type of talk when it comes from my own mouth. A couple (few?) months ago, I stopped taking Aderall. I'm not going into the boring and worn-out reasons, just telling you so you know. Now, I can feel what I call "the swirl" returning to my brain. The swirl comes in slowly, and picks up speed over time. It starts with a main thought, then spirals into several smaller thoughts on the same subject. I become very creative, and imagine many new ideas for paintings, books, career paths, etc. The problem is, the swirl giveth and taketh away. I watch those great ideas fly about, then not so much fade away, as just be overlapped by another. Eventually, my head is full of many layers of overlapping ideas, and nothing has been done with any of them. I don't know which is worse, to take the drug and wake up on Saturday thinking about something I was supposed to do at work on Friday, or to not take the drug, and sit at work on Tuesday thinking about what I'm going to do on Sunday? Either way, at this point, I have decided to drop more into this little blog space in the meanwhile. You know (if you have read any of this crap here) that this has been a place for me to put little things I see or imagine up, and find out what you think about them. I would not call it a traditional blog site, where I tell you how I feel that day, and for some reason you come back each day to read about it. I have never understood that type relationship. But, I will post more often, with less emphasis on funny pictures/stories in the future. I'm not trying to "bring down the room" and turn this thing serious, just trying not to ignore it so much for fear that I will not entertain. This will be fun- watch and try to determine when and where I break down and "go back on the drug" as far as how the style changes. Until then, I just realized that I AM at work, and should probably do something.

I Never Thought it Could Happen To Me

Well, up until a few years ago (like three) there were no solid jobs for middle aged commercial actors. By commercial, I mean the annoying clip between the segments of your favorite show that are used to sell or make you aware of new crap to buy. But then, something magic happened. Cholesterol lowering drugs. Then, libido increasing drugs. Then, a bunch of other shit designed to help old dudes get divorced and start looking for love at Hooters. We ALL know the trademark names of these concoctions, but I'm afraid to say them here for fear of being sued. I still said "Hooters" though. Being sued by Hooters would be pretty funny. Anyway, these commercials are all the same. First scene- Old guy with grey hair/beard sits with his hands on his face and talks about how shocked he was to hear that he was old, and his heart/joints/knees/balls were no longer up to par. He is ALWAYS filmed in black and white. Then, the color film kicks in, and he is suddenly on a mountain bike. He is in the middle of God damned nowhere, on a bike. Or, a canoe, or, if it is a sex drive pill, a motorcycle. He has some woman that is his age or close, that he is shown to be planning on wearing out whenever they get where they are going on those bikes. Later, he will be shown by him self again, on the bike or motorcycle. This is to show that he can prowl from woman to woman. There are so many of these type pharmaceutical commercials out now, that old dudes everywhere are lining up to get to "star" in one. In a few years, I will get myself a mountain bike and try out for "my junk works like new" guy in an old dude drug commercial. P.S. That is not me in the picture above.

This Does Not Suck

I was out at one of my usual lunch rotation restaurants the other day, and headed off to the restroom to wash my hands. As I rounded the corner, I discovered a gaggle of vacuum cleaners. This is something I am seeing more and more of, even in my own home. I own, and only confess to owning, an old Kirby vacuum. Its all steel and chrome, ways about 78 pounds, and sucks dirt off the floor like a tornado. My wife, on the other hand, owns more than a couple "other" vacuums. This is due to the fact that, these days, you can't seem to buy one just to clean the damn floor.

It has to clean the corners, or the tile, or the air. It has to clean the couch, and the stairs, and the dog. It has to clean the environment, and cobwebs off of the ceiling. All of these extra duties have taken away from the original function, and I say enough is enough. Take your fancy "ball" vacuum, and your HEPA filtered life saver vacuum, and all the paper-towel-on-a-stick, wet squirt varieties of floor cleaner, and pitch them out. We have been led astray from the original duty of the simple suck and go vacuum cleaner. Attachments are the Devil.

Im back, sorta.

Thought I would come back to the duck with some stupid product shots I have taken over the past few months. I have been down a bit, and not had an Internet connection due to being broke ass. If it pleases you to know, I am working tonight on a stolen connection. I will try to post regularly for a while, if I can. Thanks for coming back by- Chris

That's one NASTY juice box.

Yeah! String! (You CAN become a string expert!)

Please, sink to the bottom!

"This solar flashlight has not worked since the minute we walked in this cave!"

Date ball tells you who to date and when, even if you are six years old.

A lot of people "hooked up" with seventies songs. Some broke up.

The Irish Pubis is "open". Ewwwww

Is that a pagoda in your lap, or are you just happy to see me?

New flavor sensation from Sobe-

Good thing I sold the "bicycle built for two"

Dude, your dog is totally gay.

I can see this, being held on top of a tiny car, by tiny hands.

No comment.



"This remote control is broken, the train only seems to go to the left?"


"Careful Tommy, don't get your baseball pants dirty before the game!" (I don't know why that is funny to me........baseball pants.)

Unless you can afford the good shit.

Lets Go Cruising!

I saw this sign today, while driving out of the Jacksonville Airport. I assume it refers to the people who fly in to Jacksonville to get on a cruise ship? I am not really sure. I thought it was funny, because of how many "cruisers" I see in this town almost every day. When I first moved here from Atlanta about eight years ago, I had never heard that term before, cruising. Well, I had heard it, but usually meaning to get in a car, or on a bike, and just go riding around with no real destination. In this city, it means something else entirely. Websters dictionary defines the word as: to search in (a public place) for a sexual partner b: to approach and suggest sexual relations to. Wow. Even ol' Webster was hip to the game before me. I noticed a few years ago as I was walking home from work, that a few guys (mostly kindly old men) offered me a ride. The curious thing was, they were not traveling in the same direction as me? Since becoming aware of the hustle, I can not believe how many people there are in J-ville looking for love in all the wrong places. Let me name a few- boat ramps, parks, library's, rest stops, gas stations, bridges, any place you can fish, just about anywhere you can drive a car or walk up to. Also, if someone comes up and asks you "do you have the time?" look at their wrist. Chances are, they are wearing a watch. They did not ask if you knew what time it was, they asked if you had the time! Silly deviants. Anyway, knowing all this, that sign was hilarious.

I Dream of Genie

I was sitting on my couch the other day, trying to change the batteries in my TV remote. I tried to put the cover back on, and it would not go. I pushed it harder, then smacked it on my knee. I thought I heard it crack, so I started to get up to get a screwdriver, to see if I could jam it inside to move shit around, and force it shut. As my knees popped and cracked to straighten, I heard a slow, deep country twang say "turn em' round, you got em' in backwards, sport". I reached for my pistol, and looked up to see the helpful stranger sitting on the arm of my living room chair. It was Sam Elliot, and boy was I glad to see him. "Put that pistola down, and turn em' battries' round" he said. I let the pistol go, and pulled the cover off the remote. I flipped the batteries, and sure enough the damn cover snapped shut, clean. I don't really know Sam, but I have seen a lot of his (?) movies. Is he an angel? He should be. He is way more helpful than that Michael Landon character ever was. I wish he really did spend his day waiting for me to have a problem, or question that he could answer for me. That would be sweet. And always dressed as a cowboy, or an old grave digger, or a soldier, or maybe the wise old biker. But never dressed as one of the other thousand different characters he has played................ just kidding. He has only EVER played those other guys. And that is why he rocks. he does that one thing, well. He pops up, wearing a cowboy hat, and helps you out of a jam, like a redneck genie.

Commercial Flight

We have all heard of taking a "commercial airline" before, and have all most likely taken a flight somewhere or another. I flew out to Ohio last weekend, and made a small discovery. The commercial flight really is commercial now. The entire flight, you get to watch a string of commercials, on a loop, displayed about 16 inches in front of your face. The head rest has a small TV screen built into it, and unless you pay a couple bucks to watch half of a movie (based on your destination) you get to watch commercial ad's the whole way. Or, you could just turn it off, and look out the window. Don't look up though, because if you do, there is a couple of hundred commercial screens staring back at you, and nobody giving a shit to turn them off.