This Aint about the IPhone

This ain't about the IPhone. I cant afford one, blah blah blah- This is about the level of technology we have achieved with the cell phone. Now that we can take stunning photos, access the Internet in seconds, and repel insects with sonic tone transmitters, I have a question for the makers of these wonderful devices. Do we really need to still be told how to leave a fu**ing message? Do I have to be told that when I'm done, I should hang up? Wait for the beep to start talking? Shit man. I have been carrying a cell phone for 16 years or so, as most of you have, and I still have to listen to all that crap when I get into someones voicemail. Sorry, it just annoys the shit out of me.

Toys in the Attic Part Two

I went back to which ever "mart" to finish the damn Christmas shopping. By shopping, I mean following my wife around wining because I don't have an Ipod. And looking and pointing at girls with big boobs, to my wife's dismay. And, for you, taking pictures to report on the strange and wonderful things my mind attempts to process each day. Not the boobs, though. We have enough boob pictures on the Internet. I found more creepy toys, and creepy toy pictures. I want to say again (did I write about this?) that even though most toys are made in the Asian countries, the photos of kids/parents are not. They know Americans would not buy toys with a picture of a nice Cambodian family playing with them. So, they go to places like the Ukraine, or others that I will not attempt to spell, and arrange the photos. That, to me, is funnier than the Cambodian family, because the Ukrainians (or whoever they are) try to look American. The first two shots are to highlight the fact that, in the Ukraine, they think ALL American boys have a crew cut. Or, whatever this strange "high and tight" cut is supposed to be. The rest are just freaky ass toys and stuff that I photographed. Enjoy!

In Amerika, all boy are having military style hair fixing. Top Quality!!





Is it just me, or is this a "posing seductively Santa" and why?

This "rocket" looks like one I saw in an adult store. It even has "soft tapered head"



This one says "hand gesture mold is a great gift for any friend or family member". I agree. You could mold just about ANY body part to send home to your wife or girlfriend!!

This pale, Eastern European mother and son just look wrong. I should have read the suggested age area of the box. It probably says "ages 2 to 18" Nasty.

The last is just another "White Christmas" toy. I just wonder how much longer that is going to go over, and why we can't just say, I'm dreaming of a Snowy Christmas?

Toys In The Attic

Took the long walk around Target the other night, looking at toys and all this. I know (as you do) about the whole Chinese toy recall and all the drama around that. First, I want to say to you what I have been rambling on about, to the chagrin of anyone who will listen. The Chinese have been made to look like the villain on this lead paint/parts deal, and its bull. China does not supply the materials to build shit in this world. Not one thing. They do not have materials to build a thing. What China has is labor. That's all they ever had, and that's all they do. The big toy makers pointed the finger at China for the use of lead paint and materials, which really confused the little bowl-cut bastards. All they do is receive the materials and specs for the toys or whatever they are assembling, and whip the shit out of a crowd of line workers to fill the order. Anyone who has tried to buy rubber, wood, concrete or steel lately can tell you that I'm right. The prices shot up after the sleeping dragon started building a lot a year or two ago. This happened because all of the materials that we just expect to find at Home Depot were being shipped out to China. My point is, the lead crap was given to them, along with all the other parts and pieces of the toys, by the American toy companies. Now- back to the story. Toys look creepy. Not the actual toys, but the pictures on the boxes. I think it may have to do with Target being a foreign company? The pictures are foreign people trying to look like typical American schmucks, and it gives each one a funny, slightly odd effect.

I call this one "Weekend Dad" because that's just how it looks, and the whole weekend dad thing is funny to me anyway. I know a few of these guys, and I apologize to you ahead of time for anything I ever say about the subject. I don't know why its funny to me, it just is. The guy in the shot is all sported up, trying so hard to hang on to the boys while Mom's new friend "uncle Dave" is staying over more and more every week. Wow. Awkward moments at the breakfast table. Anyway, its sad.

This one is "Drunk Dad" and I think the photo says it all. He looks like he knocked back a few shots while he assembled the crappy toy, badly. He didn't need all those parts anyway. He just needs another drink, and some God damn quite time. Stop crying, your being a big girl. It's no wonder your Mom left us.

This one is just strange. They (those who do) have apparently replaced the dirt in an "ant farm" with some sort of wonder gel, that the ants both eat AND drink. I think its like when you eat jello, and you slush it around your mouth until it converts to slimy Kool-Aid. I don't really feel for ants, but I still think its a shitty thing to do to them. Imagine if one or two got out of the farm, and outside. Born and raised in the jello world, they would be really let down having to tunnel through regular, stinking dirt. And as far as the kid in the photo, well- you know. You cant put green shit that you can possibly drink, that close to a little black kid without him at least tasting it. Telling his Mom that he didn't, with green ants on his face. That shit looks like apple drink. What was he going to do?

Is it Just Me?

This one is a shorty. Look at the picture above, and then at the picture below. You know what
the items in the top picture are. The pictures in the lower photo are just shampoo bottles from
the shower. Is it just me? What is the deal with the new ultra phallic bottle designs? Is this art imitating life, or life imitating dick? I just don't know. No wonder they are in there so long.

Grab your Beanie Babies, its almost Pay Day!!!

Well now, In all my life I have seen a lot of stupid crap, but one thing really let me know where we stand as a nation of free thinkers. That was the invention and mania that followed the "Beanie Baby". I will never forget the countless arguments I started (was it just me?) with the scores of (mostly) large woman over these painfully worthless trinkets. Round about the time they hit the high note, I was doing security in a hospital. The local Omega Moo chapter of the nurses went into a frenzy like sharks to blood every time a new "Beanie" was placed for sale in the gift shop. They would get out the volumes of value books (produced by the toy maker, of course) and squawk for hours about how the very toy they just paid five dollars for, was actually worth hundreds and even thousands if the production of that model stopped. I would fire them up with my ignorant questions like, "How can it be worth 500 bucks, when its for sale NOW at 5 bucks retail?" "Well sit down smarty pants, and I will open the book and show you" they would say. I would then point out that the book bore the same label as the toy, and get the same dull stare that the manufacturer was counting on. Mind you, this was in the mid nineties. I happened across a hilarious value book at the thrift store the other day, which reminded me of the whole phenomenon, so If you own a garage full of this junk, I will take this time to throw more salt in your wound.

If you bought that very special blue bear in 94, then next year in 2008, it will be worth 4,500.00 dollars!!!!!! Now, you and everyone else bought it for 5 bucks. But, if you have a big box of these little jewels, you ARE RICH!!!! Just kidding. They sell at yard sales now for a quarter. They are still crap, and your still dumb if you thought anything that mass produced would gain in value. But, what do I know, see what your beanie book says about it.

Nasty Ass Commercial

I was going to start by asking "am I the only one who hates the God damn Charmin bears?" but after going on a picture search, I know I'm not alone. I hate those bears, and Charmin so much. I would wipe my ass with a cactus before I would purposely use that product. I don't know what it is about it that makes it so vile.


Maybe its the way their faces pinch up and blush, then they reach for the paper. Maybe its the way they shake their asses after, to show you how clean it is. I remember when Charmin had Mr. Whipple, who would just act like a bitch about weirdos squeezing the toilet paper. Well, I didn't really like him either, but at least the company had some dignity about the product. Now, they want to come on TV while your trying to eat dinner, and make you think about shit. My family started turning off the TV at dinner time, and turning on music instead, while sitting at the table. I wish the rest of America would turn the TV off every time that damn commercial comes on. That would make the good folks at Charmin bring Whipple out of retirement, and park the shitting bear campaign. But, its hard to get everyone together on a cause like this. I mean, I always thought people would bitch about "Angel Soft" toilet paper, but they never did. They let a company get away with saying that using this paper would feel like wiping your asshole with an angel. You know, Gods most perfect and closest creations. Angels. On your ass. Now that's soft! Like an angel, fluttering past your taint. I hate TV.

Grilled Grill Meat, and Other Advertising Wopdingers-

The other night, I lit the grill and whooped up some of that "carne asada" that you here so much about these days. It was awesome, and if you want to try Carne Asada for yourself, you just need the following: meat, and grill. You see, "carne asada" means grilled meat or steak. The ad folks just thought the name was catchy, so they started the "now with carne asada steak!" or grilled steak meat. This is not the first time they have busted out some catchy crap that swept the nation. I know you remember Certs with retsin. Folgers with flavor crystals, and so on. I just hate it when some new word for a new anything starts swirling, and people get all caught up in trying to say it more than anyone else. Or sell it more. It just shows how simple we are as a species. Lets go get a sandwich, made on CIABATTA bread. Lets ask for ARUGULA on it. Lets pour on some CHIPOLTLE sauce. No, I'm not that hungry, lets just have TAPAS. If you don't know one, or any of these words, don't feel bad. I suppose that once you have re-wrote the menu at "Fridays" a thousand times or so, you have to come up with new descriptions for the same old shit. It goes further than food though, and pretty well reaches every part of daily activity. I was listening to someone talking about PILATE'S this morning. Ten years ago, at least where I grew up, it was called Yoga. And, ten years before that, stretching. Don't fall for advertisers crap.