Do you know this face?

This horse-face tart is Mary Murphy. She is one of the "star" judges of "So you think you can dance" on whatever network. She started off as a judge, based on her expertise in the field of ballroom/competition dancing. She now carries the show based on her ability to fake laugh, and flash her giant, carrot gnawing horse teeth, none stop, for the duration of the painful ass show. Her voice makes me want to load a shotgun, and drive to the mall. I want her to star in my new show, that I will call "Do you think you could shut the fuck up?" set to air in my head, the next time I'm dreaming.

If You Thought the Target stuff was Stupid?

If you thought the Target crap was bizzare, take a look at these jewels I ran across at "Bealls" outlet store. Top quality!

Lets start with "Metro Kid"- This is just too damned easy. I saw the episode of Southpark where all THOSE kids went "Metro". Wow, life in the Ukraine must be tuff.

Again, too easy.

Strawberry Shortcake goes "ghetto". It is all good, Strawberry. Or, should I say "Skrawburry Shirtcake?"

Next, we have AUTOBIKE. Bear the Palm?

"Super Handsome Speed, Soon Top Power" is apparently what most Asian's are thinking when riding a motorcyle.

"Band your Eyes on The Toys!" "You band them good!"

This scares the BuhJesus out of me....

Speaking of BuhJesus, Holy Crap. I hear the Lord really speaks through this book. He says, "Please kill this crazy bitch".

This enterprising inventor got around the Pez patent, by changing the familier flip top device into a strange broke-neck, side flinging candy nightmare. Thats all I got folks.

I was Right about the Bratz Dolls

I tried to warn everyone about those damn Bratz Dolls. I told everyone that they looked like tiny whores, and not to buy them for their daughters. Well, thanks to patience, and some hidden surveillance cameras, I have finally got the proof that I needed to launch an anti-Bratz campaign. I warn you, the following photos are disturbing:

This filthy man pulled up and solicited the miniature prostitute, who without hesitation jumped in his car.




I don't know how it made it to the street, but I suggest that if you have these things in your home, you get them out. Gather all their designer clothes, the cocktail bar, the rave dance floor, the pimp car, and the cocaine fueled jet plane, and throw it all out. Throw it out before your daughter starts saving up for stripper shoes.

As I Promised-

I like dogs, a little. I even own a dog, though I will tell folks that "it" belongs to my kids. I have a problem, however, with people who put that stinking ass dog on a pedestal higher than all of the important things around it. One of the funniest things I have EVER seen in my life (and you know I keep my eyes open) was a sticker placed OVER another bumper sticker, on the back of a Volvo in Atlanta. The car's owner had placed one of those "I (heart) MY BORDER COLLIE" bumper stickers out back, to show all passers by just how miserable his little life was. Some savvy jackass in "the ATL" had purchased another sticker, shaped like the heart, and even the same color. Across the heart sticker/overlay, it said "FUCK". This completely changed the meaning of the sticker, but only to the dog's owner. Because, when I see those stickers, I KNOW that I am following a real life dog fucker. I'm just saying, get a dog- love it, and take it every where you go. Hell, leave it a spot in your will if you want. But don't lose your mind over the damn thing. If you find yourself buying clothing or jewelry for the animal, get a God Damn hobby. Find a bum somewhere, and take up the task of rehabilitating him/her. Organize your garage, but just do something. We are waging a war overseas, that most folks THINK is about oil, or religion, or some shit. I think that two thirds of this planet hate Americans because of the following:

This is a Pea coat for a dog.

This is a pearl necklace, for a dog.

This folks, is a man who is about to fuck his dog. The dog knows it, and you can see that in it's eyes. Why else would the guy spend hundreds on dressing the dog up?

Toys (?) in the Attic Part 3

I don't know how many more times I can use that title, but I KNOW I will keep bringing these crazy ass products to my site. Some of these are just stupid, and others are the reason a lot of other countries hate us. Took all the pics at Target. Lets go-

First, why do all cartoon characters eventually "go ghetto?" I mean, I know that Tweety bird and the gang stopped getting work long before I was even born, but Alvin and the Chipmunks? Here they are heading out to rob a liquor store. And they were doing so good!

Next is "Jam Pack Jam", the game where you time how fast you can pack a car trunk, then try to beat that time. I don't know who this one is aimed at, children of known fugitives, or children of Target's favorite customer- the obsessive compulsive. Don't get it? Then you don't have the disease.

This one claims, "Hear conversations up to thirty feet!" We had that device when I was young, we called it an eardrum. Dude, its thirty feet.

Here's Dora and Diego, hopefully going back home to Cuba.


For Gods sakes, just throw the damn treat.

In the country, they have a device to help deal with dogs that are crippled, or too old to stand on their own- its called a bullet. This, on the other hand, is pretty sick.

Again, the old question. Who the hell is walking who?

The chocolate is way better. (WTF?)

Found it like this. I know my brother shops there, I suspected him the second I saw it.

"This one time, at band camp" I know, not funny.

Well, that's all I have. I have reserved a few more of the pet related pictures for a later story that I may title, "Stop being such a dog fucker". Till then, I'm out-

Teaching Kids; How to spot a Shitbird

One of the hardest things to do when your raising kids, is teaching the difference between a real shit bird, and someone just dressed to look like a shit bird. Well, you have nothing to worry about, because PlayMobile Inc. has started producing toys to do the job for you! Just playing with this new line will teach the kids, as they grow, what to look out for. Lets take a look; First, notice that the shit bird is handcuffed to Officer Friendly.

Next, notice that shit bird is covered with tattoos. I have tattoos myself, and some of the best people I have ever known do as well, but still, its kind of funny.

Lastly, notice that the shit bird is ready to wallop you with anything he can get his greasy hands on. NEVER turn your back on a shit bird. Thanks Playmobile. I would like to note here, that there was a time (in the eighties) that I dressed very much like this. I was thrown out of Six Flags over Georgia for dress code, as well as a Chucky Cheese Pizza (can you smell the urine?) restaurant. I was told that the restaurant was a "family place" and I was frightening the chirren'. The difference was......... fooled you! There WAS no difference. I WAS a shit bird. That is my point. If you dress like a shit bird, you will be treated as such, because you are wearing the uniform. If you dress like a pirate, you will probably say "Arrrrgh" before the end of the day. If you dress like a cowboy, you will probably yell "YEEHAA" before to long. You dress like a shit bird, you will probably wallop a cop with a giant flash light before the day is over, or at least, you will want too.

Lowest Common Denominator

Spent an hour in the waiting room of my favorite "pain management" clinic the other day. I had my cell/camera phone, and had to show you something I noticed. Im not going to point out the obvious, just look at the pic's.

Apparently, being fat hurts. I want to add that each one of these specimins who either rolled in on their own power or were pushed in by a feeder, cryed at some point in the waiting room. It was the strangest thing. The 400 pounder in the first shot (with butterfly bag) waited until the room was silent, and then wimpered for a good three minutes.

The one in the stripped shirt (with 22 inch "cankles") went for a good minute or so.

The one in the black suit-thing argued with her insurance company (Blue Cross/Blue plate) and then did a sort of cursing-cry-out loud bit.

This was the first one's feeder, going after a ringing cell phone in her butterfly bag. I swear to God Almighty that the ring tone was "Devil went down to Georgia". You can't make this shit up.

I have been told from my Doctor that I would have less back pain if I lost weight. The thought of dieting makes me want to stand in his waiting room and have a good cry.