Piss on This

I have always had an eye for things that should mean nothing, but should mean something at the same time. I guess I'm what they (they?) call a conspiracist. I don't believe in one theory or another, but more in a constant, static channel of hidden order, continuously operating just below the surface of what we see as reality in our everyday lives. My awareness of this order causes me to pay very close attention to the things that we are NOT supposed to pay attention too. Most of which, I dismiss as a burned bearing, or a broken tooth in the gears of the universal mechanism. That being said, I have no idea why I went into this with you folks. Anyway, here is something that has always bugged me, and I want to see if you have ever noticed. The following are pictures of public (or residential) toilets. They are adorned with their brand or model names, and I just wonder how and why a group of marketing people, or just the owners of the patents on each units particular design, would have EVER decided that these were the best names available for such a device?

Church, and American Standard. We should piss on American Standards, and the House of God? Now, I don't walk to Sunday school with an American flag pin on my lapel, but, I know people who do. I cant believe the collective "they" ever got away with this.Anyway, I'm out of time, and I have to run over to Home Depot. I'm going to remodel my bathroom, and I need to go get one of those nice "family values" shitters.

Hot for Teacher

I remember when I was in high school, and even in middle school, there were always "those guy's". The kid that would come in on the first day of the new school year, and start shit with the new teacher right off the bat. She would go through the whole text book "control the situation" routine, and almost never win.

This would go on for the first month or two, and the kid would maybe even be kicked out for a while. Then, something magic would happen. Every time the kid did something stupid, or said something he would normally be killed for, the teacher just got this glassy-eyed look, and tried to fight a smile back in an attempt to seem authoritative. Every now and then, you might would catch her playing with his hair or some other form of physical contact as she walked by his desk during a test. Now, us all being really young, would all start in with the "teachers pet" type crap. As we got older though, that turned to flat-out asking the guy what the hell? He would then start telling us how he went to her house, got drunk with her, and well, you know the rest. We would all call bullshit, and laugh at him. Sometimes, the kid would persist in his wild tales for months, as the stories got more and more detailed. My point is, before I go all day with this, is that we have all learned now that that kid may have been telling the truth. This shit really happens, and I wonder how many of the classroom bad-boys I knew were taking "night classes" to keep those grades up for football?

We had bad GIRLS as well, but that old tired story is just too damned easy. It's always the P.E. coach. At least that's what the girls would tell us. There was always some urban legend about a coach, caught in the gear locker with two twin 15 year old Vietnamese girls. I think it was the coach that started that one though.

Do you know this face?

This horse-face tart is Mary Murphy. She is one of the "star" judges of "So you think you can dance" on whatever network. She started off as a judge, based on her expertise in the field of ballroom/competition dancing. She now carries the show based on her ability to fake laugh, and flash her giant, carrot gnawing horse teeth, none stop, for the duration of the painful ass show. Her voice makes me want to load a shotgun, and drive to the mall. I want her to star in my new show, that I will call "Do you think you could shut the fuck up?" set to air in my head, the next time I'm dreaming.

If You Thought the Target stuff was Stupid?

If you thought the Target crap was bizzare, take a look at these jewels I ran across at "Bealls" outlet store. Top quality!

Lets start with "Metro Kid"- This is just too damned easy. I saw the episode of Southpark where all THOSE kids went "Metro". Wow, life in the Ukraine must be tuff.

Again, too easy.

Strawberry Shortcake goes "ghetto". It is all good, Strawberry. Or, should I say "Skrawburry Shirtcake?"

Next, we have AUTOBIKE. Bear the Palm?

"Super Handsome Speed, Soon Top Power" is apparently what most Asian's are thinking when riding a motorcyle.

"Band your Eyes on The Toys!" "You band them good!"

This scares the BuhJesus out of me....

Speaking of BuhJesus, Holy Crap. I hear the Lord really speaks through this book. He says, "Please kill this crazy bitch".

This enterprising inventor got around the Pez patent, by changing the familier flip top device into a strange broke-neck, side flinging candy nightmare. Thats all I got folks.

I was Right about the Bratz Dolls

I tried to warn everyone about those damn Bratz Dolls. I told everyone that they looked like tiny whores, and not to buy them for their daughters. Well, thanks to patience, and some hidden surveillance cameras, I have finally got the proof that I needed to launch an anti-Bratz campaign. I warn you, the following photos are disturbing:

This filthy man pulled up and solicited the miniature prostitute, who without hesitation jumped in his car.




I don't know how it made it to the street, but I suggest that if you have these things in your home, you get them out. Gather all their designer clothes, the cocktail bar, the rave dance floor, the pimp car, and the cocaine fueled jet plane, and throw it all out. Throw it out before your daughter starts saving up for stripper shoes.

As I Promised-

I like dogs, a little. I even own a dog, though I will tell folks that "it" belongs to my kids. I have a problem, however, with people who put that stinking ass dog on a pedestal higher than all of the important things around it. One of the funniest things I have EVER seen in my life (and you know I keep my eyes open) was a sticker placed OVER another bumper sticker, on the back of a Volvo in Atlanta. The car's owner had placed one of those "I (heart) MY BORDER COLLIE" bumper stickers out back, to show all passers by just how miserable his little life was. Some savvy jackass in "the ATL" had purchased another sticker, shaped like the heart, and even the same color. Across the heart sticker/overlay, it said "FUCK". This completely changed the meaning of the sticker, but only to the dog's owner. Because, when I see those stickers, I KNOW that I am following a real life dog fucker. I'm just saying, get a dog- love it, and take it every where you go. Hell, leave it a spot in your will if you want. But don't lose your mind over the damn thing. If you find yourself buying clothing or jewelry for the animal, get a God Damn hobby. Find a bum somewhere, and take up the task of rehabilitating him/her. Organize your garage, but just do something. We are waging a war overseas, that most folks THINK is about oil, or religion, or some shit. I think that two thirds of this planet hate Americans because of the following:

This is a Pea coat for a dog.

This is a pearl necklace, for a dog.

This folks, is a man who is about to fuck his dog. The dog knows it, and you can see that in it's eyes. Why else would the guy spend hundreds on dressing the dog up?

Toys (?) in the Attic Part 3

I don't know how many more times I can use that title, but I KNOW I will keep bringing these crazy ass products to my site. Some of these are just stupid, and others are the reason a lot of other countries hate us. Took all the pics at Target. Lets go-

First, why do all cartoon characters eventually "go ghetto?" I mean, I know that Tweety bird and the gang stopped getting work long before I was even born, but Alvin and the Chipmunks? Here they are heading out to rob a liquor store. And they were doing so good!

Next is "Jam Pack Jam", the game where you time how fast you can pack a car trunk, then try to beat that time. I don't know who this one is aimed at, children of known fugitives, or children of Target's favorite customer- the obsessive compulsive. Don't get it? Then you don't have the disease.

This one claims, "Hear conversations up to thirty feet!" We had that device when I was young, we called it an eardrum. Dude, its thirty feet.

Here's Dora and Diego, hopefully going back home to Cuba.


For Gods sakes, just throw the damn treat.

In the country, they have a device to help deal with dogs that are crippled, or too old to stand on their own- its called a bullet. This, on the other hand, is pretty sick.

Again, the old question. Who the hell is walking who?

The chocolate is way better. (WTF?)

Found it like this. I know my brother shops there, I suspected him the second I saw it.

"This one time, at band camp" I know, not funny.

Well, that's all I have. I have reserved a few more of the pet related pictures for a later story that I may title, "Stop being such a dog fucker". Till then, I'm out-