This Does Not Suck

I was out at one of my usual lunch rotation restaurants the other day, and headed off to the restroom to wash my hands. As I rounded the corner, I discovered a gaggle of vacuum cleaners. This is something I am seeing more and more of, even in my own home. I own, and only confess to owning, an old Kirby vacuum. Its all steel and chrome, ways about 78 pounds, and sucks dirt off the floor like a tornado. My wife, on the other hand, owns more than a couple "other" vacuums. This is due to the fact that, these days, you can't seem to buy one just to clean the damn floor.

It has to clean the corners, or the tile, or the air. It has to clean the couch, and the stairs, and the dog. It has to clean the environment, and cobwebs off of the ceiling. All of these extra duties have taken away from the original function, and I say enough is enough. Take your fancy "ball" vacuum, and your HEPA filtered life saver vacuum, and all the paper-towel-on-a-stick, wet squirt varieties of floor cleaner, and pitch them out. We have been led astray from the original duty of the simple suck and go vacuum cleaner. Attachments are the Devil.

Im back, sorta.

Thought I would come back to the duck with some stupid product shots I have taken over the past few months. I have been down a bit, and not had an Internet connection due to being broke ass. If it pleases you to know, I am working tonight on a stolen connection. I will try to post regularly for a while, if I can. Thanks for coming back by- Chris

That's one NASTY juice box.

Yeah! String! (You CAN become a string expert!)

Please, sink to the bottom!

"This solar flashlight has not worked since the minute we walked in this cave!"

Date ball tells you who to date and when, even if you are six years old.

A lot of people "hooked up" with seventies songs. Some broke up.

The Irish Pubis is "open". Ewwwww

Is that a pagoda in your lap, or are you just happy to see me?

New flavor sensation from Sobe-

Good thing I sold the "bicycle built for two"

Dude, your dog is totally gay.

I can see this, being held on top of a tiny car, by tiny hands.

No comment.



"This remote control is broken, the train only seems to go to the left?"


"Careful Tommy, don't get your baseball pants dirty before the game!" (I don't know why that is funny to me........baseball pants.)

Unless you can afford the good shit.

Lets Go Cruising!

I saw this sign today, while driving out of the Jacksonville Airport. I assume it refers to the people who fly in to Jacksonville to get on a cruise ship? I am not really sure. I thought it was funny, because of how many "cruisers" I see in this town almost every day. When I first moved here from Atlanta about eight years ago, I had never heard that term before, cruising. Well, I had heard it, but usually meaning to get in a car, or on a bike, and just go riding around with no real destination. In this city, it means something else entirely. Websters dictionary defines the word as: to search in (a public place) for a sexual partner b: to approach and suggest sexual relations to. Wow. Even ol' Webster was hip to the game before me. I noticed a few years ago as I was walking home from work, that a few guys (mostly kindly old men) offered me a ride. The curious thing was, they were not traveling in the same direction as me? Since becoming aware of the hustle, I can not believe how many people there are in J-ville looking for love in all the wrong places. Let me name a few- boat ramps, parks, library's, rest stops, gas stations, bridges, any place you can fish, just about anywhere you can drive a car or walk up to. Also, if someone comes up and asks you "do you have the time?" look at their wrist. Chances are, they are wearing a watch. They did not ask if you knew what time it was, they asked if you had the time! Silly deviants. Anyway, knowing all this, that sign was hilarious.

I Dream of Genie

I was sitting on my couch the other day, trying to change the batteries in my TV remote. I tried to put the cover back on, and it would not go. I pushed it harder, then smacked it on my knee. I thought I heard it crack, so I started to get up to get a screwdriver, to see if I could jam it inside to move shit around, and force it shut. As my knees popped and cracked to straighten, I heard a slow, deep country twang say "turn em' round, you got em' in backwards, sport". I reached for my pistol, and looked up to see the helpful stranger sitting on the arm of my living room chair. It was Sam Elliot, and boy was I glad to see him. "Put that pistola down, and turn em' battries' round" he said. I let the pistol go, and pulled the cover off the remote. I flipped the batteries, and sure enough the damn cover snapped shut, clean. I don't really know Sam, but I have seen a lot of his (?) movies. Is he an angel? He should be. He is way more helpful than that Michael Landon character ever was. I wish he really did spend his day waiting for me to have a problem, or question that he could answer for me. That would be sweet. And always dressed as a cowboy, or an old grave digger, or a soldier, or maybe the wise old biker. But never dressed as one of the other thousand different characters he has played................ just kidding. He has only EVER played those other guys. And that is why he rocks. he does that one thing, well. He pops up, wearing a cowboy hat, and helps you out of a jam, like a redneck genie.

Commercial Flight

We have all heard of taking a "commercial airline" before, and have all most likely taken a flight somewhere or another. I flew out to Ohio last weekend, and made a small discovery. The commercial flight really is commercial now. The entire flight, you get to watch a string of commercials, on a loop, displayed about 16 inches in front of your face. The head rest has a small TV screen built into it, and unless you pay a couple bucks to watch half of a movie (based on your destination) you get to watch commercial ad's the whole way. Or, you could just turn it off, and look out the window. Don't look up though, because if you do, there is a couple of hundred commercial screens staring back at you, and nobody giving a shit to turn them off.

Introducing, the DEmotivational Speaker

Have you ever had the pleasure of sitting through the one hour set of a professional (or amateur) motivational speaker? There is nothing like it in the world. First of all, we would all agree it is a purely human event, as in animals probably don't have to talk each other into much. I'm not sure, but I imagine that it is a purely American event as well? I have never heard of a Russian, Chinese, or Italian (that's EYE-talian) speaker- other than something like "work faster or you die!" Mussolini type shit. The best is being blind-sided by a motivational speech when you were not warned, or maybe you were tricked, into sitting through it. It goes something like, "hey kids, there is a really funny guy in the auditorium who wants to talk to you" who turns out to be Matt Foley (Chris Farley) and lives in a van, down by the river.

Some of these folks rise to unimaginable wealth and fame, as well they should. Corporate drones file into the "ballroom" of whatever hotel, glassy eyed and ready to take the elevator to the top floor to jump off a balcony- and one hour later, come out of the room brand ass new. Fired up and ready to fight the good fight.

That, unfortunately is NOT what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about a new sort of speaker that I have become aware of in my adult life- the DEmotivational speaker. Saturday Night Live (SNL) had the good sense to add this character to the line-up just the same as the "Matt Foley" one, in a bit they called "Debbie Downer". I watched her do that whole, "well, it will probably just rain" thing a dozen times, and never realised how many of those downers are living(?) among us. Ever get up, feeling pretty good, and head in to work with a new sense of optimism- only to come home (or to lunch) with a new sense of homicidal rage? A sense of the benefit of swerving your car into oncoming traffic? You have most likely sat through the soul sucking bit of the DEmotivational speaker. It can happen to young kids at school. A teacher can double as a demotivational speaker. Your child starts the year off talking about becoming a Doctor, and then comes home from school talking about managing a Wendy's........at night. One of your good friends may have trained in this dark art. He will be the guy who always reminds you of how stupid your ideas are. However, if he likes your idea, you will know it when he reminds you that you are a shit-talker, and you will never do anything. There is the female version of the "demo" speaker, who normally comes at her girl friends with a softer approach. Her hook is the "well, you know, you are just like me, your a little bit lazy- but that's ok, I'm the same way" one-two punch. You walk away, ok in your non-action, but secure that you have such a close friend to come to when you have these "crazy" ideas of happiness or success. I think you get the point, and I'm out of time. I feel pretty optimistic today, so it is time to head in to work, where someone can help me with that feeling and remind me where my place is. UPDATE: I came back after work today to add a thought here. What if we auditioned these people, the demotivational speakers around us, and employed them to do what they do for good? Have them infiltrate terror cells- or street gangs. Maybe it would go something like this; "what, go out and blow a bridge up? Shit man, I brought weed, and Americas Funniest Home Videos is coming on". There would be an awkward moment, with all the committed terrorist's standing in the doorway, and the "demo" still sitting on the couch. The leader would ask "are you going?" and the demo would just say it back in a mocking and irritating voice- "Rar-Roo-Rowing??" then the others would laugh, and sit back down. The implanted demo would then go into the bathroom to send the signal back to headquarters, telling them that the situation was avoided, or, demoted?

Obama Wants My Guns?

If you need an anti-aircraft gun, or just a practical AK-47, you had better buy it NOW. I was just at the gun show again (I know) and apparently, like Clinton before him, Barak Obama will not rest until he has rid this country of each and every firearm that a real, red blooded American would ever want to shove under his pillow at night. I remember the safety orange stickers that were stuck all over the AK-47 I purchased in the early nineties, warning the potential buyer that time was limited, and that Hillary Clinton had set a date to melt that weapon down, and would use the metal to sculpt a statue of a welfare Mom using your tax money to buy lottery tickets.

We didn't want that, so we all went out and bought weapons for reasons we could not begin to explain to our wives. Somewhere between Clinton and "thirty round clip" my wife just seemed to nod and smile politely. I find it all pretty funny now, and its great to watch all these young suckers fall for the same crap. Clinton never took my guns, and neither will Obama. Deep down, though, I did kind of want to see that sculpture.