Lets Turn it ALL to Crap

I know I'm a whiny bitch, but I have to say a few words here. I remember going to restaurants a few years ago. Even if the food was crap, most places above the fast food level had some sort of atmosphere. A lot of places even offered a little privacy for you and your whoever. You could get a nice booth, with some partition sides or some other kind of blind, and really talk shit. You could get to know your date, plan a hit, or anything else. Italian joints were the best, followed closely by Red Lobster. Now, they throw your ass in with everyone else. Your back touches the back of the guy behind you, even if the place has twelve people in it. You get the kid that screams, until his sorry ass parents let him free range, and put his mucus crusted hands on your table. They put high watt light in your face, and a TV in your ear. They have turned your favorite restaurant into HI FI Buys. The picture above is not a sports bar. Its Red Lobster, or whats left of it. Here's how you finish a restaurant chain. Increase the size of the bar to at least half the size of the space. Bring in thirty seven flat screen TVs, and put at least twenty of them on CNN or FOX news. Nothing makes me hungry like bleeding Iraqis! Now, shrink the food menu to half the size of the drink menu, and make the appetizer menu bigger than both of them together. Viola! You got yourself a Chilli's! And as you know, Chilli's ain't no place you go to eat.

The Time Machine

Well, this week, I got to hit on something I have said before. If you ever wanted to "go back in time" I know where the government parked a time machine. I can get you back to the middle ages in an hour, free of charge. I'm not trying to sell tickets to some geeky-ass renaissance fair, this is real. I want you to strap on a hidden dagger, lace up some knee boots, and take your ass to Walmart. Not that new, ritzy ass location, the OTHER one. The one over on the " " side (you know your cities shitty side, the side you would never live, but you buy your tires there) where the air is thick with the smell of crap food and failure. Go in that Walmart, and find a place to sit. Transport yourself to days long ago, where teachers and dentists were tried as witches, and a complete lack of limbs or soap could not stop a woman from being impregnated nine times. In the REAL middle ages, people did not walk around eating roasted turkey legs, singing witty songs, and trying to paint your face. They mumbled stupid shit, smelled like hot garbage, and made kids to pass time. I want to start taking middle school kids in there on field trips, like a living museum. Maybe get me some tires, and pay a hump-back to carry them out.

This Aint about the IPhone

This ain't about the IPhone. I cant afford one, blah blah blah- This is about the level of technology we have achieved with the cell phone. Now that we can take stunning photos, access the Internet in seconds, and repel insects with sonic tone transmitters, I have a question for the makers of these wonderful devices. Do we really need to still be told how to leave a fu**ing message? Do I have to be told that when I'm done, I should hang up? Wait for the beep to start talking? Shit man. I have been carrying a cell phone for 16 years or so, as most of you have, and I still have to listen to all that crap when I get into someones voicemail. Sorry, it just annoys the shit out of me.

Toys in the Attic Part Two

I went back to which ever "mart" to finish the damn Christmas shopping. By shopping, I mean following my wife around wining because I don't have an Ipod. And looking and pointing at girls with big boobs, to my wife's dismay. And, for you, taking pictures to report on the strange and wonderful things my mind attempts to process each day. Not the boobs, though. We have enough boob pictures on the Internet. I found more creepy toys, and creepy toy pictures. I want to say again (did I write about this?) that even though most toys are made in the Asian countries, the photos of kids/parents are not. They know Americans would not buy toys with a picture of a nice Cambodian family playing with them. So, they go to places like the Ukraine, or others that I will not attempt to spell, and arrange the photos. That, to me, is funnier than the Cambodian family, because the Ukrainians (or whoever they are) try to look American. The first two shots are to highlight the fact that, in the Ukraine, they think ALL American boys have a crew cut. Or, whatever this strange "high and tight" cut is supposed to be. The rest are just freaky ass toys and stuff that I photographed. Enjoy!

In Amerika, all boy are having military style hair fixing. Top Quality!!





Is it just me, or is this a "posing seductively Santa" and why?

This "rocket" looks like one I saw in an adult store. It even has "soft tapered head"



This one says "hand gesture mold is a great gift for any friend or family member". I agree. You could mold just about ANY body part to send home to your wife or girlfriend!!

This pale, Eastern European mother and son just look wrong. I should have read the suggested age area of the box. It probably says "ages 2 to 18" Nasty.

The last is just another "White Christmas" toy. I just wonder how much longer that is going to go over, and why we can't just say, I'm dreaming of a Snowy Christmas?

Toys In The Attic

Took the long walk around Target the other night, looking at toys and all this. I know (as you do) about the whole Chinese toy recall and all the drama around that. First, I want to say to you what I have been rambling on about, to the chagrin of anyone who will listen. The Chinese have been made to look like the villain on this lead paint/parts deal, and its bull. China does not supply the materials to build shit in this world. Not one thing. They do not have materials to build a thing. What China has is labor. That's all they ever had, and that's all they do. The big toy makers pointed the finger at China for the use of lead paint and materials, which really confused the little bowl-cut bastards. All they do is receive the materials and specs for the toys or whatever they are assembling, and whip the shit out of a crowd of line workers to fill the order. Anyone who has tried to buy rubber, wood, concrete or steel lately can tell you that I'm right. The prices shot up after the sleeping dragon started building a lot a year or two ago. This happened because all of the materials that we just expect to find at Home Depot were being shipped out to China. My point is, the lead crap was given to them, along with all the other parts and pieces of the toys, by the American toy companies. Now- back to the story. Toys look creepy. Not the actual toys, but the pictures on the boxes. I think it may have to do with Target being a foreign company? The pictures are foreign people trying to look like typical American schmucks, and it gives each one a funny, slightly odd effect.

I call this one "Weekend Dad" because that's just how it looks, and the whole weekend dad thing is funny to me anyway. I know a few of these guys, and I apologize to you ahead of time for anything I ever say about the subject. I don't know why its funny to me, it just is. The guy in the shot is all sported up, trying so hard to hang on to the boys while Mom's new friend "uncle Dave" is staying over more and more every week. Wow. Awkward moments at the breakfast table. Anyway, its sad.

This one is "Drunk Dad" and I think the photo says it all. He looks like he knocked back a few shots while he assembled the crappy toy, badly. He didn't need all those parts anyway. He just needs another drink, and some God damn quite time. Stop crying, your being a big girl. It's no wonder your Mom left us.

This one is just strange. They (those who do) have apparently replaced the dirt in an "ant farm" with some sort of wonder gel, that the ants both eat AND drink. I think its like when you eat jello, and you slush it around your mouth until it converts to slimy Kool-Aid. I don't really feel for ants, but I still think its a shitty thing to do to them. Imagine if one or two got out of the farm, and outside. Born and raised in the jello world, they would be really let down having to tunnel through regular, stinking dirt. And as far as the kid in the photo, well- you know. You cant put green shit that you can possibly drink, that close to a little black kid without him at least tasting it. Telling his Mom that he didn't, with green ants on his face. That shit looks like apple drink. What was he going to do?

Is it Just Me?

This one is a shorty. Look at the picture above, and then at the picture below. You know what
the items in the top picture are. The pictures in the lower photo are just shampoo bottles from
the shower. Is it just me? What is the deal with the new ultra phallic bottle designs? Is this art imitating life, or life imitating dick? I just don't know. No wonder they are in there so long.

Grab your Beanie Babies, its almost Pay Day!!!

Well now, In all my life I have seen a lot of stupid crap, but one thing really let me know where we stand as a nation of free thinkers. That was the invention and mania that followed the "Beanie Baby". I will never forget the countless arguments I started (was it just me?) with the scores of (mostly) large woman over these painfully worthless trinkets. Round about the time they hit the high note, I was doing security in a hospital. The local Omega Moo chapter of the nurses went into a frenzy like sharks to blood every time a new "Beanie" was placed for sale in the gift shop. They would get out the volumes of value books (produced by the toy maker, of course) and squawk for hours about how the very toy they just paid five dollars for, was actually worth hundreds and even thousands if the production of that model stopped. I would fire them up with my ignorant questions like, "How can it be worth 500 bucks, when its for sale NOW at 5 bucks retail?" "Well sit down smarty pants, and I will open the book and show you" they would say. I would then point out that the book bore the same label as the toy, and get the same dull stare that the manufacturer was counting on. Mind you, this was in the mid nineties. I happened across a hilarious value book at the thrift store the other day, which reminded me of the whole phenomenon, so If you own a garage full of this junk, I will take this time to throw more salt in your wound.

If you bought that very special blue bear in 94, then next year in 2008, it will be worth 4,500.00 dollars!!!!!! Now, you and everyone else bought it for 5 bucks. But, if you have a big box of these little jewels, you ARE RICH!!!! Just kidding. They sell at yard sales now for a quarter. They are still crap, and your still dumb if you thought anything that mass produced would gain in value. But, what do I know, see what your beanie book says about it.